Today has been a bizarre day and I feel drawn to sharing how I feel in case it helps others. I know sometimes it’s helped me to read about the experiences of others and notice similarities and differences so I’m sharing mine. This is a longer post than usual and I make no apologies for that. It’s also more personal and possibly less logical. But I feel compelled to share…
This whole lockdown situation as a result of COVID-19 is bizarre, and it’s really started to sink in for me over the last few days.
I’m away from home at the moment as I’m classed as potentially high risk and live alone – I was offered the opportunity to move in with others so I accepted and I’ve not stayed at home for over 10 days now. It’s been helpful to have people to look after me when I’ve needed it, and it’s been good for me to be able to help them too (we split things like chores, pet care and cooking and I love being part of this to help others).
Last week I was still “working” so my days were filled with work, daily exercise, cooking, and a bit of relaxation. Things were weird but I was doing good and appreciating small joys.
My work has however been impacted by the bizarreness of these times so this week has been different. I don’t have any scheduled work for April. I was due to start my next cohort of group coaching, I was planning a self-discovery retreat, and I was hoping to run some residential and workshops. The retreat, residentials and workshops have had to be put on hold for now, and no one that I have spoken to seems to be in a place where they’re ready for coaching as their lives are so up in the air right now.
The negative voice in my head keeps telling me that surely now is a time when people need my support more than ever to help them navigate the situation. There’s definitely some logic to this too and it’s something others have assumed would be the case. In my case however, that hasn’t yet materialised.
I have my TRUE Leaders Community which has downloadable self-discovery resources and monthly group calls and I really believe that could help people (at any time, but perhaps even moreso at the moment), so I could be doing more to grow the community, but in reality that’s not something that would be likely to fill my days.
I’m fortunate that because I’ve been self-employed for over 3 years I should be entitled to support from the government.
And so I find myself in this bizarre situation of sort of being able to work, but not *needing* to work, and not really knowing what I can helpfully do on a day-to-day basis.
Because I’m higher risk I’ve been social distancing since it was suggested (I’ve not even visited to a shop for about three weeks) so volunteering or working in places that need extra help aren’t really a practical option for me as it would increase the risk of me coming into contact with others.
As I’m not at my house I can’t do the decluttering and reorganising that I sometimes do when I’m feeling a bit lost and want to do something which feels like it’s a productive use of my time.
So I’ve been knitting. And doing Lego. And reading. But I’ve been feeling guilty. And lost.
I love my work. It’s a core part of who I am. It provides me with a huge sense of satisfaction for giving value to the world. It’s something I’m incredibly proud of. I‘m sure many of you who aren’t currently able to work feel similar.
So what can we do? I know I wouldn’t choose to feel guilty or lost or feel like I don’t have a purpose. I’d choose to feel grateful for the opportunity to slow down. I’d choose to use the time to appreciate my situation. I’d choose to share the joy with other people who are celebrating achievements with their work and be pleased for those who are able to gain new forms of work to help those in need.
At the moment, I’m not yet fully able to get to that place, but that’s OK. I’m just going to be kind to myself and listen to my heart and my intuition to guide me through each moment.
For now I’m going to run and enjoy the fresh air.
Look after yourself, whatever your situation ❤️